I choose to call myself anonymous, and for the sake of this writing; you can call me “Kaylee”.
I have had my fair share of tidal waves, hurricanes and tsunamis in my life. Just when I thought I wanted to stop everything…there was a whisper that kept me going.
Here is my story:
When tragedy in your life strikes, it sometimes feels like a tidal wave. The waves come crashing upon you. You feel unable to take a breath; the shortness of breath leaves you with pains that manifests. Just when you think and/or wish the wave will wash you away…just remember that you are not alone.
I was once this child who felt that I had nothing. I grew up poor, wondering why I couldn’t have the things others had. I remember being bullied by other kids around me with “not so kind names.” I became quiet and reserved around others as a result. I battled with insecurities of not being good enough, pretty enough, athletic enough and popular enough. The last draw came when I was assaulted and almost killed by someone I trusted.
Before coming out of the dark tunnel I was in, I contemplated the meaning of life. I felt that if there is a God, why did he create the suffering that was all around me. I spent many of my younger years, numbing myself with things around me. I drowned myself in my sorrows and sought to be with others who had sad stories just as I did.
One day, while pleading with the “unknown” God, I asked “God” to take it all away. I wanted at that moment a way out; a way out of the pain and suffering that the world created. Just as I thought it was the end and he would take me away; I opened my eyes and realized that I wasn’t taken to the far away land, as I so desperately desired. Just when I thought that it was the end of my sad story…this “God” spoke to my heart and told me, “Love is What Binds Everlasting Life.” My heart’s void was taken away.
I didn’t live a walk with God (in my youth), but he walked with me. My curiosity sparked a five-year exploration into who “God” is and I trusted him all the way. I had nothing else in my life… no hope, no strength and no pride. I realized that he had bigger plans for me, beyond my sorrows.
I had great compassion for others who were suffering. As I began to give my life, I realized that it was the fuel that kept me going. No longer did I feel that I was hopeless, I felt empowered to change the world. By high school I had volunteered over 3,800 hours of service to my community. After serving with little children in the community, I saw a need for “hope” to be brought to the orphan children. Just as they felt alone, so did I. I knew what brought me joy and that was toys. I started a toy drive to give them love through toys. Enough to take their minds off of their problems and the things around them.
When we love the least of these, they are able to be brave and strong. I began to learn the very essence of being and the meaning of life. Just as I prayed in my youth for a way out…God was giving me a way in! He gave me a purpose beyond my understanding and the rest of my life was in preparation for what was to come.
My understanding of what was told to me:
1. “God is Love”: “Anyone who does not love, does not know God, because God is Love.” (1 John 4:8)
“God is Love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God abides in him.” (1 John 4:16)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6)
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
My adversity, my challenges, my suffering were to help me find Love! I had to surrender my whole being before I could understand the true meaning.
2. Why the suffering? “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
God had to show me that the suffering was because it was “for the glory of God,” that I was to “believe on him with all my heart” and he would prove to pull me through. In search of me, he would not give me more than he knew I could handle and he helped me find him. As I prayed for a way out…God gave me a way in!
There is light at the end of the dark tunnel. When you feel that all hope is lost, you must reach out and trust in something more than yourself. I felt I had nothing to lose, felt I was already dead and past the point of extinction.
I’m here to tell you that things get better. Just when you think that the darkness is taking over, light shines through. There is a promise, “if we suffer, we shall also reign with him…” (II Timothy 2:12)
Don’t fall into the temptation of death. There is something greater than we are, greater than our suffering, greater than any feeling we have…don’t you want to find out what that is? What do you got to lose?
Revelation 21:4 says, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
It’s simple. “For if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” (Romans 10:9)
Why not call upon Him right now? Tomorrow may be too late.