Epic Victory: 9 Epic Parenting Win techniques that many parents have said helps them be successful and Win by preventing the epic parenting battles.
Parenting can be challenging; though it does come with many wonderful memorable moments. These moments begin as early as a child learns to crawl – to the moments when you have to allow them to learn from the bumps and bruises that life might bring their way. Parenting comes with no manual and no tutorial to read when things (feelings) get broken and need mending.
Differences in parenting vary from one culture to another – with no one right way being better than the other. As a parent, you have to learn to listen to your natural instincts – while others often turn to grandma and grandpa or other parents for their words of wisdom and advice. Differences in parenting styles can impact a child’s future achievement.
We will begin to list 9 Epic Parenting Win techniques that many parents have said helps them be successful and ‘Win’ by preventing the epic parenting battles:
(1) Allow a child to express themselves. Listen intently and try to understand the child’s point of view. Let them know they are understood and that it is okay for them to express themselves. If the child is reacting in a “rage” of anger, tell the child calmly that you will listen as soon as their voice is as calm as yours. Be prepared to repeat your calm statement until the child is determined to change their behavior. It’s okay to say, “we can talk when your calm”. A parents job is to understand – not to fix things. Reasoning will only make a child more upset and it’s okay to just give a hug and say, “I understand and I love you.” Use empathy and understanding when you talk. “You sound like you are really frustrated. Can you tell me what is bothering you? I want to listen and understand.” It’s important to reach out in love.
(2) It’s important to reward the child with positive statements (not things) when a child is listening or doing good behavior. When giving positive reinforcement do so with loving and recognizable positive gestures. Look at them in the eye and say, “it makes me so happy when you wait patiently (can be replaced with any verb- the action, and adverb – describes the action using a positive reinforcer)”
(3) Spend quality time with your children. Each moment shared will bring you closer. When you play with them and interact a great sense of respect is built. Playing is also great therapy. Allow play dates and activities with other children and use the quality time (with others) as a reward for positive behavior.
(4) Model the behavior you want your child to see. If you yell, your children will model the behavior and learn to yell at others. The great saying, “monkey see, monkey do” does play in this situation. Children learn through watching others – from infancy to adulthood. It is a fact that we learn culture and tradition through seeing it. The effects of media messages does play a huge part in what our children perceive as being real. This is another point, talk with your children about what they watch on TV and be sure they understand what they are watching (and that most of it is not real – it’s just like a play).
(5) Don’t expect that a child knows what you are talking about. Be sure to show the behavior you expect and work on practicing. For instance, if the child slams the door – instead of getting angry, go over and show the child how to correctly close the door. Be sure to model the behavior you wish to see and you will notice that your child will begin closing the door (by habit) the right way. Reward with your words at random moments when you see the positive behavior; for example, “you closed the door so quietly – nice job.” This can be used for any other behavior you wish to change.
(6) Allow you child to think through things. Show your children that you understand their needs and desires. For instance, your daughter wants a new baby doll that her friend just received as a gift. Instead of getting it for her – instead, ask her how she could get a toy like that? Let them work through their ideas. Once their ideas are explored, give two or three possible options – for example, possibly earn money through chores, to buy it, sell the old things they own to raise money, or wait till a desired time to receive it as a gift. If they get upset, you can say “I love you too much to argue. I’ll be happy to listen once you show me your calm voice and you are ready to talk about your options.”
(7) Always give two to three options with everything. Make sure the last option you give is the one you wish they make. Often times when they are deep in thought, only the last option sticks in their mind and they repeat it unknowingly (once they realize they said it they know they have to follow through). Only give options that you are satisfied with so both parties are happy. They get to make the choice from the options and the parent is then satisfied. If they choose something off the list of options, you calmly say, “that wasn’t an option. I gave you your options and you must make one or I will have to choose for you.” It’s important to follow through with the final choice.
(8) Each parent must discipline the same and give the same rules. There should be no favoring one child over the other – each should be treated equally. Always reward the same and give the same. Follow through on what you say or warn. It’s important that they realize that consequences will happen. You will be thankful that you did this the moment that your child become an adult and they make the wrong choice; therefore, you want to prevent things from happening in the first place. The law won’t be so forgiving in the future if they don’t recognize that consequences exist for bad choices.
(9) Always look at behavior as making a choice – not that the child is a bad boy or girl. Allow them to realize that it is bad choices that get us in trouble. This will encourage them to think about the choices they are making now and recognize ones that will come in the future. In early childhood, let children learn from their decisions/choices. If your child won’t listen and doesn’t want to wear their coat outside when you tell them too – bring the coat and let them experience the cold and let them make the choice to wear the coat. Watch them get cold (not for too long) and make suggestions, “its awfully cold out here, are you sure your not ready to wear your coat yet?” The moment they get cold for the first time (show them their cold hands and tell them their body is shaking because they are cold) they will learn to recognize the consequence. When the child finally makes the right choice (through guided decision making) be sure to tell them they made the right choice, say to them “it should make your heart happy to make the right choice to put your coat on – boy is it cold outside.” Be patient in the first situation as they learn and be sure to recognize the behavior and give a hi-5 to the child and say, “nice listening ears. You should be so happy with your good choices.” Next time (and in the future) they should listen when you warn them to put their coat on. It’s important that the child learn from life consequences while they are children, because when they grow to be adults you will be thankful that they made the right choice, when a bad choice emerges – for example, getting in the car with someone who shouldn’t be driving.
Above all…please remember to:
- Set limits without anger, lectures, threats, or repeated warnings
- Provide empathy and logical/natural consequences
- Give empathetic statements and listen intently to the child’s feelings
- Give enforceable statements and choices within limits
- Remove the problem object (if a solution isn’t made)
- Limit television time and enjoy life with your children – find an activity that you enjoy doing together
We encourage you to raise children to be self-confident, motivated and ready for the real world! Start today to win the epic parenting battles!
We encourage all parents to consider the Love and Logic Series. It is highly recommended by other parents and professionals.
This is a great program for parents seeking to incorporate positive parenting approaches to their routine. Love and Logic local groups and guest speakers are available in some areas to teach the philosophy. Check out their website for postings in and near your area: http://www.loveandlogic.com